Parodies of the Hours
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: Something has gone horribly, awfully wrong..." Shuichi has an absolutely horrible day. And it's partially Yuki's fault. Then again there was no way he rigged the crazy squirrel lady... And who knew K-san looked so good in a flamenco dress?


_Parodies of the Hours_

_Infernum's Introductory note:_

_Aloha, in the hello sense not the goodbye sense._

_Nice to see you all again._

_Acerbus wrote this in her 'parody phase' where all that was written was crack in the extreme. I like crack though, it's amusing as all get-outs (ugh, I sounded southern) but I was personally happier with the serious stories she wrote._

_That fact excluded, this is my favorite parody by her with the exception of the Spandex Opera. The second half is pending and keep in mind, this is an OOOOOOOLD fic. Ancient even._

A/N: This story is very… similar to my other fanfic Motorcycles and Madness and Spandex opera. The point is that all three were similarly written because I forced them out of my brain, like an angry landlady. This is written for your enjoyment as I enjoyed as I wrote it. So enjoy, lest the squirrels come for you as well! Lastly, I shall be writing a second half to this, but be patient I'm suffering some serious writers block right now.

The setting sun fell slowly over the horizon. At its last requiem, it clutched at the edge of the world, but slipped away into death. Its soft face relaxed into peace and the glowing remembrance of its presence became a memory. The world of artificial light awakened its kingdom. The pale green, ominous humming echoed around the park. The moonlight had embraced the earth with its ethereal warmth. These reverberating lights clutched at the heels of Shuichi Shindo as he ran through the park on this dark night.

"God! No one told me that I had to walk home! They'll pay for this tomorrow." His words were muffled by his panting breath as he ran. His shoes clapped against the cement sidewalk. He never noticed the person behind him. "Hey, you, what are you doing here?" Shuichi turned around. "Yuki? What are YOU doing here?" The blond shrugged. "Sitting here, what does it look like?" Shuichi wandered over to the bench that the writer occupied. A cold breeze blew by as he sat down. Yuki paused between breaths of his cigarette, "You're late, again." Shuichi looked up in apology. His eyes focused on the nonchalance of the opposite person's. "I didn't know that I'd be stuck without a ride, I'm sorry." Yuki looked at him. "But you didn't call me?" His words were sarcastic. Shuichi stared at him. "Yes, I did call you, I called you eighteen times, but you never answered the phone." Yuki shrugged again. "Too bad, I was busy." Shuichi was beginning to get angry. "Busy with what?!?" Yuki smiled. "I was too busy sitting here."

"I can't believe him," Shuichi thought. "I'm in trouble and what does he do? He sits in the park for five freakin' hours!" It had been about an hour after Shuichi had stormed away from his lover. He walked alone now and the park's overwhelming quiet began to creep into Shuichi's brain or whatever space that it could find in it. "Maybe I should go home," he thought nervously. He turned around to go head for the park exit, but someone blocked his path. A woman who blew with the breeze was walking over to him. She had long dark hair and piercing green eyes. She stopped in front of him. "Are you Shuichi Shindo?" Shuichi was surprised. "Um…Yes." He didn't expect what happened next. The woman leapt forward and knocked him over then proceeded to sit on his chest. She opened her large handbag on the ground next to her. Shuichi looked up in terror. She slowly pulled out a large object. Shuichi's mind was racing. "What do I do? Yuki! Help me!" Then the lady turned to him and smiled. She held up a stuffed animal. "This is my pet squirrel, his name is Eduardo." Shuichi was dumbfounded. He didn't have time to think though because she began rubbing he squirrel against his face. "Love him, Love him," she cried. Shuichi was suffocating under the deranged lady's taxidermist mammal. Then she put it back into her bag. She leaned close to Shuichi's face and whispered. "Do you know what?" Shuichi gulped. "Here it comes," he thought. She continued. "4 out of every 5 dentists recommend using a squirrel instead of floss. They help prevent against cavities, plaque, and having your tonsils stolen by the tooth fairy." Shuichi didn't dare talk. The lady turned back to her bag. She pulled out a shiny rectangular object and shoved it halfway into Shuichi's mouth. Shuichi was frightened when she began squeezing the object. Then an awful taste filled his mouth. The lady smiled. "You know, butter has the highest amount of the vitamin z47. This vitamin helps to prevent you from ever losing your shoelaces." Shuichi did his best to spit out the substance. She reached for her bag again, only to be suddenly whacked in the side of the head. She fell over. Shuichi looked up. Yuki stood over him with a red metal bat. "Again, I have cut a worthless object," he muttered. Shuichi jumped for him. "Yuki, you saved me!" Yuki, in response, stepped out of the way which let Shuichi fall to the ground. "Oh, shut up, butter boy or I'll have you tentacle raped." He pulled Shuichi by the arm leaving the unconscious woman on the ground behind them.

When they had gotten home, Shuichi was burning with questions. "Yuki, why did you save me?" Yuki shrugged. "I felt like hitting something and that something was an easy target. That woman made it so easy for me to whack her, who could resist?" He walked to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a piece of cake. Shuichi screamed. "You never told me that you had cake!" Shuichi pounced at the frosting ridden thing. Yuki evaded him as he ran to the bedroom and lay on the bed. Shuichi followed him. "Yuki, I love you," he reached for his lover's cake, but it pulled away. Shuichi looked up. Yuki stared at him with cold, dark eyes. "Oh, shut up." He leaned over and flicked a switch by his bed and immediately tentacles shot out of ground. "What, what, what!" Shuichi stuttered. He looked in terror as they began to creep closer to the bed. Shuichi looked back at Yuki and his eyes widened. Yuki had put on a western style hat and grabbed Shuichi around the shoulders as he threw him amongst the tentacles."Yes, dance, buttery man, dance!" He shouted. Yuki began shooting imaginary pistols. Shuichi screamed and began tearing at the tentacles that had wound around him. They had begun to move into foreign territory. Shuichi cried out. "Yuki, help me!" He continued wrenching the slimy green things off of him. Yuki stared at him and laughed an echoic laugh. It didn't sound like Yuki. The cake lay forgotten as Shuichi pried himself off the floor and leapt over one last tentacle. He threw open the door, which made him just want to stay in the room. K was in the doorway. Shuichi slowly backed away. The horror that met his eyes made him want to accept the tentacles with open arms. K was dressed in a flaming red satin dress with huge amounts of frills and ruffles. The dress didn't fit exactly right and K's wide chest seemed to be crushing the seams. He was also wearing matching scarlet high heels that elevated him at least another six inches. His long blond hair was tied up in ribbons. He smiled wickedly at Shuichi. "Hello, big boy," he said in a falsetto voice. Then to Shuichi's shock he began dancing the can-can which revealed black fish net stockings that ran far too much up his legs. Whether Shuichi's eyes couldn't take K kicking so high in the air and what he saw because of it or whether it was the tentacles that continued caressing his leg did not matter as he rushed from the room screaming.

Shuichi fled from the bedroom only to find an even bigger surprise in the kitchen. Hiro was dressed like a maid and was cooking. Large pots of bubbling things were created wonderful smells and steam that had filled the room. Hiro didn't seem to notice Shuichi. He was busy adding pepper to something and was humming a strange melody. Shuichi ran over to him. He looked up Hiro up and down and wasn't sure what disturbed him more, that Hiro was dressed as a maid or that he was cooking. Shuichi began screaming and shaking him. "Hiro, there's something terribly wrong! Yuki's neglecting me! K's gone nuts! I didn't get any cake! There are tentacles coming out of the ground! What's going on?!?" Hiro turned to Shuichi and spoke in a very strange voice. "Hiro? Hiro? I know not of this Hiro. I am Julia Child," he turned to face a wall, "and today on the French chef!" He began cooking and humming again. He had blocked out Shuichi again. Shuichi slowly backed away and entered Yuki's study.

Shuichi gasped. Suguru was being tentacle raped. His anguished screams echoed in Shuichi's ears. Shuichi ran to help him. He yelled at the attacking arms. "You get away from him or I'll get the espresso!" The tentacles whimpered and disappeared through the holes in the floorboard. Shuichi rushed to Suguru. "Are you okay?" Suguru looked up at him. His normally stern and determined gaze was streaked with tears and utter confusion. Shuichi tried to find Suguru's missing pants.

Once Shuichi had noticed that they were hanging from the ceiling fan, Suguru had calmed down. He looked at Shuichi. "Mr. Shindo, what on earth is going on?" Shuichi sat down and rubbed his head. "well, Yuki's become Dirty Harry, K's doing the can-can, Hiro thinks he French and you were just tentacle raped," Suguru nodded in agreement. Shuichi murmured. "It started when Yuki flicked that switch, maybe if we can turn it off, we can fix everything!" Shuichi stood up and grabbed the still doubting Suguru by the arm. When they left the study, they came face to face with Tatsuha. He grinned at them and held up a shopping bag. "Guess what I've got…" He sang. Shuichi moaned. "Not you too!" Tatsuha cocked his head. "What are you talking about?" He seemed oblivious to the anarchy around him. "Anyway," he said reaching into the bag,"I brought presents! Megamixes!" He dumped a pile of books into Shuichi's and Suguru's arms. Their eyes widened. Suguru spoke first. "Holy crap, I feel so…violated." Shuichi nodded then said. "Well, at least we know this is Tatsuha, who else would go around handing out porn?" Tatsuha smiled with pride. Then the three left to go deeper into the house and closer to the bedroom.

Ryuichi appeared around a corner as they began walking. His childish side was normal. He yelled and rushed to them. "Hi Shuichi!" Tatsuha stepped forward. He looked at the other two. "Don't do it, it's a trap! This may not be Ryuichi!" He rushed forward and grabbed a struggling Ryuichi around the middle. Ryuichi yelled. "Shuichi! Help me!" Tatsuha's face lit up with a mad blush as he yelled to the other two. "Don't worry, I'll sacrifice myself for you two. Go! Save yourselves!" He dragged Ryuichi into a vacant room, shut and locked the door. Screams proceeded from the room, but the other two were certain they weren't Tatsuha's. Shuichi turned to Suguru. "That's worse than getting tentacle raped." Suguru nodded.

End part !


End file.
